


The hardest part of letting go is saying goodbye.

by halfsynth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Ghosts, M/M, paranormal activity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-25 11:29:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12034953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfsynth/pseuds/halfsynth
Summary: That night Arthur kneeled beside the bed and shouted, cried, cursed and cried again. By what right his other half was taken? How could he move on now? For what purpose he’s going to get up next morning? Is this God’s plan? Is he not supposed to be merciful?He cried all night.





	1. Gone

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, so I'm sure you'll find spelling and grammatical errors. Please correct me :)

“Hello?”

“I’m officer Shepherd, London police. May I speak with Arthur Pendragon?”

“This is him.”

“We request your presence at the station. I regret to inform you that Emrys, Merlin, was a victim of a car accident minutes ago.”

“What? Is he okay?! Which hospital has he been taken to?”

“I’m sorry, sir.”

 

   Some things mark us for life, in the good or the bad way. Visiting the morgue is one of them.

   Arthur didn’t want to recognise the body, Balinor did when the police contacted the Emrys family. He couldn’t. Why him? Wasn’t it enough with Merlin’s ID? What kind of system exposes people to such pain? 

   Morgana, Leon and Percival arrived as soon as they heared the news, while Arthur, Hunith and Balinor were waiting for the legal paperwork. The woman gave his brother a tight hug.

 

   2 hours later. Police station.

“(...) my son Trent. He’s sixteen, he panicked and escaped. Please tell me about the charges, how the person is…”

“The victim passed away, sir.”

“You!” Arthur interrupted.

   He saw red. The anger grasped him and cornered the boy against the wall, crushing Trent’s. Arthur held him by the shoulders, dugging his fingers so hard that he’ll leave marks on the boy’s skin.

“You ruined my life! You took everything from me! Do you understand? You killed my fianceé, you killed him! If you don’t go to jail I swear I’ll be the one who’ll kill you-”

“Arthur, let him go!”

 

   Inside the car, Arthur was nervous. His hands were shaking and not because november’s cold. He couldn’t think clear, he couldn’t accept the fact that tonight he’ll sleep in a lonely, quiet and empty apartment.

“I know you’re hurt, but acting like this won’t bring Merlin back and-”

“What would you do in my shoes?!”

 

*******

 

   Arthur and Merlin were introduced by mutual friends. At first they spoke to each other just when they had to. Months passed and they become friends, they would hang out together and sometimes they’d _flirt_ , but as joke, of course.

   A night changed everything.

   No, they weren’t under the alcohol influence. Merlin and Arthur decide to watch Face Off season finale together and, when it finished, they stood in silence watching the next show’s opening.

   Merlin turned his head to find Arthur looking at him. They smiled. No one could tell who moved first, but the boys kissed and that’s all that matters.

   Four years later they got engaged and planned a life project. First, they’ll buy a nice house in London suburbs, adopt a pair of dogs, visit Germany and adopt a child. In fact, they’ve already started doing legal paperwork to bring home a three years old boy named Simon.

   They had goals, they had a son, a house, everything… And one tragic second ended all their dreams.

 

 

“Merlin is a good person. His life doesn’t deserve this end, under a fucking teenager's negligence. Yay, rebel, rebel boy!  It’s this idiot’s fault we are reunited here and I swear that I, with the name William Young, that son of a bitch will pay for this.

We meet when we were 8 years old, we are best friends. Partners in crime. He’s the one who covered me when I went to a girl’s house. The one who can’t see and abandoned dog and not take him to his parent’s clinic vet. The one who gets mad when someone throws trash in the street. The one who lets me crash at his sofa when I’m too drunk to go home. The one who keeps his friends from high school and university, when most people forgets them. He’s the ideal son and son-in law: caring, responsabile, funny. He’s in love with a guy I don’t like too much but he’s one of the most important persons in Merlin’s life… And I approve that, of course.

Merlin loves us all, some way or another. He supports us, comforts us, takes care of us. I’m sure he’s grumbling right now, seeing us crying and I know tonight he’ll slip in our dreams and reprimand us. And that’s why we can’t forget him, because he’s here.

 

   Only Will had a speech, a speech writted in present time. Some people laughed, others keep crying.

   Merlin was cremated. His ashes were planted with the seed of the oak inside the cemetery park.

 

_Merlin Emrys Pendragon._

_1990 - 2017._

_Beloved son, husband and friend._

_“The world’s a lot better_

_than you think it is.”_

 

*******

 

   Arthur got the courage to come back home a week later. He spent the past few days with Morgana, Leon and his little boy Noah, but it was about time to face reality. His sad, sad reality.

   Bentley walk in first. The golden retriever went directly to Merlin favourite spot on the sofa and stayed there for hours.

   The second time Arthur cried out loud was when, during the wake, Bentley stood up in two legs, watching Merlin’s unexpressive face and start crying over his owner’s body. The dog wouldn’t let anyone come near, except Arthur.

“It’s okay for him to see Merlin and understand what’s going on.” Hunith explained. “This way Bentley won’t wait him to come home again.”

 

   That night Arthur kneeled beside the bed and shouted, cried, cursed and cried again. By what right his other half was taken? How could he move on now? For what purpose he’s going to get up next morning? Is this God’s plan? Is he not supposed to be merciful?

He cried all night.

 

***

   Two, maybe three days later, Arthur started to perceive something. He told himself it was his own mind playing tricks but eventually, the noises, fallen objects, whispers? became more and more frequent. Sometimes, when he’s sitting watching tv, he feels a cold breeze on the cheek and see shadows by the corner of the eye.

   No, he’s not crazy, he knows whats going on:

  1. a) suggestion, his unconscious manifesting his desire for seeing Merlin again,
  2. b) paranormal activity.



 

 

   Two months later…

“Do you think ghosts exists?”

“You don’t ask that to a physicist.”

“Tell me.”

“Do you want my opinión or the scientific answer?”

“Is there any difference?”

“Fine, answer is no. Matter can’t pass through solids like a ghost would. Its molecules should have a property which maintains them united when something…” Arthur rolled his eyes when Leon, the most passionate man about science and physics, started his explanation. “(…) And such behavior doesn’t exist in the real world. It’d violate the physics laws.”

“What if there’s a new law or something they didn’t discover yet?”

“You’re not the first asking. There have been experiments, no one was successful.”

“You make me think I’m crazy.”

“You’re not! You’re in mourning and is completely normal to feel this kind of stuff. Thaat’s why you need help. I’ve been talking with a psyc-”

“I won’t go to terapy again! Don’t you understand? They told me to let Merlin go and I can’t do that!”

“Morgana is worried.”

“That’s no good for the baby.. No one should be worried about me. I guess this will pass… I need time.”

 

*******

 

   The pharmacy was desolated, nobody came in in the last three hours. There was a heavy downpour and Arthur wondered if he could go home by the end of the day.

   When the weather was awful like this, Merlin used to dragged him to bed even if the apartment was a disaster. They wouldn’t have sex, sometimes they'd cuddle and hear the rain, whispering, laughing, caressing each other’s skin.

   Oh lord, what would he give to be back in time.

   Everything reminds him of Merlin: tv shows, shops, stray animals, clock alarm at 6:30, every single damn ballad on the radio.

   Somedays he can’t stand himself. The loneliness and Merlin’s absence break Arthur’s heart, burn his skin and give him no reason to get up in the morning.

   There were no more kisses, no passion, not a single “love you”. No more crappy horror movies on saturday night. No more family barbecue on sunday. No more walks in the park or last-minute getaways on the weekend.

 

   In moments like this he wants to hear his fianceé voice from the other side of the phone. Between videos and audios he chose to mark Merlin’s number.  

   He wasn’t expecting for the call being taken.

“…”

   An intruder was on the flat and stole the phone, yes, must be that, but Arthur didn’t hear a voice or noises. In fact, he was listening to the downpour and a bit of static.  

“Merlin…?”

   It lasted few seconds and Arthur swears he heard a breathing. _I’m not crazy_ , the phone registrated everything. No one answered again.

   Merlin’s phone never moved from Arthur’s nightstand.

   How is that possible? Who took the call? “I’m not crazy!”

 

   He needed help and he needed it now, and not a psychologist’s help precisely…

 

*******

 

_Nimueh Lake._

_Parapsyschologist. Consultancy._

_Works of magic._

_Absolute discretion._

 

   Arthur never believed in witchcraft, karma, energy or stuff, but when you’re desperate logic isn’t a limit to find the answers you need.

   Dinner just finished. Morgana, Leon and Noah visit him every few days; Ygraine and Uther come every weekend. He has his friends and colleagues too… But the emptiness remains.  

 

“I’ll consult a parapsychologist.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“I’m running out of ideas.”

“They only make you waste money.”

“Then tell me what to do. I’ll go mad if I stay here and do nothing.” Silence. Morgana and Leon sadly watch him.

 

   It was saturady night. Arthur didn’t want to go out, meet people and have a nice time, so they decide to come over. The three of them were chatting when Noah came running, with the remote in his hand.

“Uncle Arthur, what’s uncle Merlin favourite channel?” Arthur’ stomach twisted.

“He loved Animal Planet. Number fifty eight.”

“Great!”

“Do you think Noah can see him?” Arthur asked when the kid was already in the living room. He read that children easily perceive energies and, maybe, Merlin was manifesting himself with his nephew.

“C’mon, he’s four and has three imaginary friends. You can’t believe Merl-” But Arthur didn’t listen.

 

“(...) He doesn’t talk too much, he just nods and smiles. I cannot see him home, though, and we can’t play together.”

“Honey, you know uncle Merlin is not here anymore. Uncle Arthur is very sad as your dad and me, but no one can see him.”

“But he _is_ here, mom! He’s sitting next to Bentley.”

 

  The dog was peacefully sleeping in the couch, like nothing would ever wake him up.

“I believe you, Noah. Merlin’ll always be here.”

 

That night, Arthur had a hard time trying to get some sleep. He played and replayed Noah last words before his parents took him home: “Merlin gets sad when he sees you cry.”

 

 

*******

 

“Good morning. I need the materials from this list, please.”

“Right away, sir.”

   ‘The Eye of Time’ is that kind of store with a mystic atmosphere. Incense, candles, herbs, tematic books, a lot of little glass jars with who-knows-what inside, ouijas, decorated mirrors and tarot cards.

 

“Daegal, who ordered this?”

“That tall blonde guy.”

 

   When Arthur came back to the counter, Mithian greeted him.

“Sir, may I ask what do you need this stuff for?”

“With all respect, I don’t think that’s your business.”

“No, but I won’t sleep tonight I if shut my mouth. Is Nimueh working for you?”

“How-”

“We are very popular among her clients. We used to spread the word about her but she’s a fraud. Her ‘rituals’ never work.”

“You sound very sure of it.”

“I am. People told me they never got any kind of result. Spirits don’t entablish communications through herbs o salt.”

“I know, I know, I’m tired of hearing the same thing. It’s my money and I don’t care expending it even if this ritual or whatever doesn’t work. I need- No. I have to try.”

“Did you already pay her?”

“Half of the price for now, yes.”

“Just like the others…”

“Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I truly think that if a spirit wants to communicate, it won’t do it with a stranger, it’ll do it with you. She just wants the money.”

“And what if she can do it? If you are trying to trick me?”

“Do you honestly think I’ll lose a sale?”

“Listen, I’m desperate. This may be my fianceé and I really want to say goodbye.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. Look, I know a woman. She _did_ study parapsychology and can help you. She’s not like Nimueh.”

“And you get her customers?”

“Kind of. Annis doesn’t do this for a living, it’s her hobbie. She likes to help people whose really need it, no costs.”

“No costs?”

“There is her honesty.”

“Fine then. I have nothing else to lose.”

 

   Of course, Nimueh’s ritual didn’t work.

  

*******

 

   Annis’s house, located on the outskirts of London, looks like Ygraine’d had decorated it. The living room has that special familiar touch with light walls, the fireplace, and a lot of pictures of children, pets, parties and old photos.

“Sit, please. Mithian told me about you but I need to know everything from you.”  

“I don’t know what to do. Since my fianceé’s death I’ve been feeling something… Like a presence, I guess, inside the house. Noises, things that move. Is it possible for him to do that?”

“Before answer you, I have more questions. Have you witnessed other phenomenons? Those noises and moved objetcs can have a logical explanation.”

“His clothes appeared outside the cabinet. Sometimes I hear footsteps, knocks and whispers. My friends say I’m too influenced but-

“Tell me about your experiences.”

“I dialed his number. I like to hear his voice mail but this time… Someone took the call. It lasted two or three seconds but nobody speaked, it was just ambient noise.”

“Where’s the phone?”

“On my nightstand.”

“Do you keep it charged?”

“Yes.”

“Go on.”

“I can’t describe what I feel. Everytime I come in I feel I’m not alone. I’m not afraid either, he’s with me.”

“That’s very common for a person under suggestion. There should be another phenomenons to consider paranormal activity.”

“Our dog. They have a sixth sense, right?”

“What about him?”

“One day he’s calm, the next is anxious. Cries, barks or stares at nothing for hours.”

“Other witnesses?”

“My nephew. My sister says I should listen to him because he’s four but he saw him! Noah said Merlin was sitting in the couch with us, smiling.” At this point, Arthur’s voice was about to break.

“Anything else?”

“That’s all.”

“Very good. My conclusion is, there’s an energy trying to manifest itself but I can’t assure this is Merlin. Even if your nephew saw him, it could have been an unique apparition, assuming there’s another explanation for these events… Arthur, I’ll ask you hard questions. How Merlin died?

“Hit by a car. Instantaneous death.”

“When did you start to feel this presence?”

“A week and a half later. I haven’t been in the apartment.”

“What happened to his stuff?”

“Nothing. His mother took some things, the rest is still there.”

“How did you adjust to live by yourself?”

“Im not used to yet. Every corner of the house reminds me of him. I buy his favorites cookies, cookies I didn’t like before and now I can’t have breakfast without.”

“Do you still cooking his favorite meal? Do you watch his favorite tv shows?”

“Of course I do! I even listen to his last YouTube playlist!”

“Boy…”

“It helps me not to miss him so much.”

“Do you cook for two?”

“Yes. Some times. I don’t do it on purpose! What else do you wanna know? I know are you gonna say exactly what my psychologist told me: ‘you have to let him go…’. Well I’m sorry but I can’t!”

“Your psychologist is right. This is not good for your mental health. Cling to the memory of your beloved one makes your mind play tricks on you. I don’t believe in ghosts, Arthur, not in the creepy-horrorific way most people believe. We, humans, are energy, and when we leave our bodies part of that energy remains somewhere: here, there, lost in the universe. Merlin was going to marry you a that’s an incomplete goal now…

   » I’m sure he wants to say goodbye, but he’s too weak to do appear in front of you. If your dog can sense him, if you feel his presence, then Merlin is actually in your house.

 

“Why my nephew did see him?”

“A child’s mind is innocent and doesn’t fear the unknown. When they grow up they lose that skill.”

“So, in conclusion, Merlin wants to stay with me.”

“As I said, maybe he needs to say goodbye.”

“And then what?”

“You move on. Merlin doesn’t belong to this world anymore, you can’t keep him here. Souls suffer when they can’t find its way.”

 

   Three days later, Annis visited the Pendragon/Emr- just the Pendragon apartment. The instant she walked into felt this sad energy sad roaming around the place. She knew this wasn’t an aggressive spirit, just a lost soul longing for rest in peace.

 

   Arthur decided, one day, to follow Annis’s advice. Shyly, he took some photos to make sure Merlin was there. The images showed translucent white circles, invisibles to the human eye.

   He took a deep breath. Was it a good idea? What if this wasn’t Merlin? What if this was Merlin? It’d mean Arthur’ll have to move on and the love of his life would be nothing but memories.

 

   The sound recorder was already on and Arthur wasn’t getting any results, he felt like a fool speaking at nothing and not getting an answer but, when Bentley left the room and sit in the middle of the kitchen staring at the clean and white wall, Arthur understood.

   And it worked.  

 

   He cried tears of joy, sadness and relief. They said goodbye and finally Merlin rested in peace.


	2. Together again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur never cried again.

“Are you here?”

“...”

“Please let me know if you’re here. Speak, move something… Touch me.” Arthur whispered and instantly felt a cold caress on his cheek. “Merlin?”

“Yes.”

“Merlin, my love, I miss you so much. Why did you have to go? I can’t live without you, I don’t want to. Let me go with you.”

“No. Time.”

“Everytime I walk in and don’t see you I feel like dying. I can’t talk about you without crying. I sleep hoping you’ll be there when I woke up. I look at the door waiting for you to come in.”

“Have to. Let go.”

   Arthur stopped the recorder to listen check if Merlin answered.

 

“I know, love, I know, but it’s so hard. I want this to be a nightmare. I want you to stay with me and protect me and take all the pain away.”

“Family. Friends.”

“We had plans and that son of a bitch ruined everything! _He_ should be dead! The thought of not kissing you anymore, not touching you, not make love to you again it’s killing me. We were going to be parents, the four of us were going to travel and now… Nothing has sense. My life has no sense.

“Simon.”

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to be here against your will. You’re suffering and you must be thinking I’m fucking selfish. Forgive me, love.”

“I’m okay. Have to go”.

 

Arthur stopped the recorder again.

“Please wait for me. We’ll meet again, right? I don’t know how much I can go on, but I promise you I’ll try.”

“Be happy.”

“I’m not ready, not yet. Give me strength, Merlin.”

“Love you.”

 

*******

 

   Simon’s adoption took longer than expected and during that time, Arthur visited the boy numerous times. Tearfully, the blond told him that from now, it’ll be just the two of them. Simon didn’t understand quickly but when he did, the boy hugged Arthur and promised him Merlin is watching them from heaven.

A year after, Arthur and Simon planted, in the backyard of their new house, the first bud of Merlin’s tree.

“So, daddy is here?”

“Yeah. You can come and talk to him whenever you want.”

 

*******

 

   Arthur is 85. He has a son, a daughter-in-law and a granddaughter. He lives in the same house Simon grew up. Now, Arthur is sitting at the shadow of the oak that, in all these years, kept the essence of the man he loves.  
   He didn’t have lovers or a partner, he didn’t even kissed someone again. The dates he had were a disaster and he only went just to give the satisfaction to his friends. Internally he knew no one would replace Merlin.  
   And he didn’t want to fall in love with someone else.

   There’s a breeze. His body feels heavy. He knows what’s coming.  
And it’s time to remember the good memories.

 _“This is Merlin, from my analytical mathematics class…”_  
_“No, I’m gay.”_  
_“So, do you like me? Because I_ do _like you.”_  
_“_ Friends _is better.”_  
_“I thought we were boyfriends, since I spend four nights a week in your bed and you stay three days a week at mine’s…”_

   Merlin’s smile. His shining eyes. His laughter, his hugs, his surprises, his spontaneous visits at Arthur’s pharmacy, his notes on the fridge like: ‘remember to buy some bread, I love you, I’ll see you at lunch.’

_“Today I told my teacher, miss Foster, and my classmates that I have one dad with me and my other dad is in heaven.”_  
_“I love to play tennis!”_  
_"This is my girlfriend, Holly."_  
_"Dad, Holly and I are moving in together."_  
_"I passed! I have my degree in communications!"_  
_"You’re going to be a grandfather."_  
_“It’s a girl! We’ll call her Meryl."_

*******

 

“Honey, he’s sitting by the tree. He doesn’t want to come in… I’m scared.” Holly was about to cry when Simon came. Arthur didn’t want to take his medicines anymore.  
Years ago Arthur’s been prescribed antidepressants. Physically he is healthy but his mind is somewhere else. Depression is killing him. Simon asked the doctor if his father could die of sadness and yes, he could.  
“Dad, it’s cold. Let’s go inside.”  
“Fifty seven years, Simon.  
“We’ll talk in the house.”  
“You have a wonderful family, my son. You came into my life and gave me the strength to go on.”  
“Dad...”  
“You have to let me go, Simon. I promised him to live, I lived and now my body tells me it’s time. No, don’t cry, I’m okay. I’m going to see Merlin again.”  
“W-we are going to miss you so much. We’ll never forget you.”  
“I know, son. This is not goodbye.”  
“I love you, dad. And please tell daddy I love him too.”

   Arthur died on a Saturday at 17:38 holding his son’s hand, a tear rolling down his cheek and a small smile on his face.

 

*******

Somewhere...

  
   The moment Arthur opened his eyes, found himself in front an unfamiliar scenery. He never traveled to a place like this.  
   The beach looks clean: no towels, no trash, no people sunbathing. In the distance he sees a castle in the top of a mountain.  
   The little wooden boat takes him to the shore. When did he get into? How did he arrive to this place? When did he change his clothes to these white trousers and tunic? Why his hands didn’t have wrinkles?  
   Why is he young again?  
   He forgot how to breathe when the boat stopped. In front of him, like the fifty seven years passed in a blink, Merlin, his 27 years old Merlin was holding out a hand.

“Merlin...?”  
“We were waiting for you.”  
   A second later Arthur was holding his lover tightly in his arms. Tears burned his eyes. All the confusion, sadness and pain were driven away by happiness. The touch, the feelings, the presence of the man he loves made him felt alive.

“How-  
“Shh. We have time. We have all the time we want.”  
“But you look the same and I should be an old man and-  
“Youth and old age don’t exist here. We look like this, like we were in the middle of our earthly lifes. Or something like that.”

   Since Merlin died, Arthur began to be afraid of death. Lord, if he had known that this is what happens after life he wouldn’t have worried at all.  
   He felt the spring breeze. Merlin had pulled away.  
“I can hear you thinking.”  
“I haven’t been with anyone. I ddin’t want to fall in love again. Sometimes I thought I should have met someone but I looked at your picture and I could’t betray you. I missed you so much that I wanted to follow you and stop my misery. I swear that I-  
“It’s fine, love, it’s fine. I have you now and I’ll never leave you alone. You can’t hide from me here, you know?”  
“Merlin..."  
“Everybody is there.” Merlin pointed the city, little white houses from the distance. “Your parents, Morgana, Leon, our friends… Even Bentley. He lives with me.”

   Arthur laughed between sobs and hugged Merlin again, he breathe the scent from his neck. Merlin smelled of acorns and sea water.  
“I want to see them, I do, but now… I want you close. I waited and hoped so much for this and I was afraind I’d never see you again. I need you. I need to be one with you.”  
“We are one, love. I gave myself to you once and we’ve been one since. I'm yours, today, tomorrow, forever. And I love you, like the first day.”

Arthur never cried again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The hardest part of letting go is saying goodbye' belongs to the song "The hardest part of letting go... Sealed with a kiss" by Megadeth.  
> Heaven's description is based on Valinor, originally created by J. R. R. Tolkien.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this story. See you soon! :)


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